fuckers

So I got up about a half hour ago, a little bit later than I was planning - but that's fine, because I'm driving to LaLa Land tonight, and I don't plan on leaving until 7pm or so. It usually takes around 5-6 hours depending on how fast I drive, so I'll be up driving pretty late, and I don't want to be tired while I'm driving. At least that's what I kept telling myself as I hit the snooze button repeatedly - it was all for the sake of safety. Yeah, that's it.

My family lives down in LA (well, my parents and my younger brother - everyone else lives back east in NY), which is where I grew up, so I try to drive down there every couple of months to visit. Now I live up here, in the Bay Area, and I love it. I mean, I love the fact that I grew up in LA and I can say I'm from LA, but as soon as I turned 18 and it was time for me to go to college, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. That was partially because I wanted to get away from my parents, too, but yeah. I needed to get away. The San Fernando Valley, to be specific, is where I grew up. So, like, yeah, I'm a valley girl. I love it. I don't care what anyone thinks or what stereotypes they have about me, or that 99.9% of the porn industry is located there. I think it's awesome. It's home. One of them. I suppose the Bay Area is my new home, since I went to college up here and then chose to remain, but even though I've been here for 7 years now, I still don't feel like I quite know everything. I don't know where all the little cities are, where all the streets go, how far everything is from where I am. You know, the stuff you learn, the stuff you absorb, when you're in an area for a long time. I mean, I know these things, but I don't feel like they're a part of me. Not yet.

I still have to pack, but I'm not stressing like I usually do. I also want to do my nails, and maybe pick up a bit. For the first time all year I'm going alone, without my boyfriend, and I think I'm a little nervous about that. I'll miss him, but I wonder if I'll be bored driving so long all alone. I used to do it all the time, but it's been awhile. Plus, there's all the creepy people at the gas stations and rest stops along the way. I remember one time last year when I was driving alone, I stopped at a rest stop to smoke a cigarette (I refuse to smoke cigarettes in my car, but weed is okay...I think it's funny I don't want cigarette smoke inside my car, but it's okay to put it inside my BODY, but that's another story), and then I realized this guy about 20 feet away was video taping me. Seriously. He full out had his fucking camcorder out and was recording me. I was really weirded out. I waited a few minutes - maybe I was being paranoid (it's been known to happen) and he was just a tourist and recording parts of California or something. But no, it was me. I put my cigarette out and got the fuck out of there, and then made sure he wasn't following me. That's the kind of shit that happens to me, more often than not. I don't know anyone else that this kind of weird shit happens to as much as me. Like this one time I was at work, and stepped outside for some air - and then this guy I'd never seen before ran up to me, took my picture, and said "Now I have your picture!!" That freaked me out, especially a month later when the guy showed up to give me my picture with his name and number written on the back. Yeah right, like I'd call him - he'd probably cut me up into little pieces. Guys, that is NOT the way to get a lady.

I could go on forever today. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I'm feeling much better than yesterday - I'm just trying to keep telling myself "fuck it, I'll clean when I get back or when I have time" as opposed to sitting here worrying about it. I did up my meds last night, maybe that has something to do with it. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Oh, yeah. So the reason I sat down here to start writing, instead of doing something productive like packing, is because I was SO PISSED a little while ago. I got up, made my coffee, started 409-ing the counters like I love to do, and then went to rinse out the sink...and no water came out. At first, I was confused, like, oh I must be really high and I didn't actually turn it on. But no, it was on, and all that was coming out was weird noises. I went to the bathroom sink - no water there either. I had been about to jump in the shower, so I turned the shower on, but alas, no water. I threw some clothes on, stormed downstairs to where they do all the maintenance crap, and found the manager. "Did you just shut the water off??" I asked. "Oh yeah, that was me, well not me, there are plumbers on the third floor, it will just be about 20 minutes or so." "Okay, because I was just trying to use it and I was a bit confused." I wish I had the fucking balls to be rude for once, instead of overly pleasant and accomodating - I wanted to be like "Um, I think it's against the law for you to just shut the water off without some kind of prior notification." Oh well. It's back on now, I just checked, but still. That pissed me off. I guess now I don't have an excuse to shower and get on with my day.

I'll try to write more before I leave, but if I don't, I'll try to write while I'm at my parents' house. I don't know if that will work though, because my brother is always playing Warcraft or something. I plan on coming back Monday night.

so...

I kind of feel like I'm freaking out. Or panicking, maybe. I think I've just been panicking more the last few days because of the fact that I've been thinking about it more because of that stupid class thing. Fuck that. I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store to get some food to cook for dinner, but then I started freaking out. So, I think I'll sit and smoke a cigarette, and then I'll see how I feel. I don't smoke a lot of cigarettes, just about one a day, on average. Yes, I know it sounds weird and you think I'm lying, but it's true. Sometimes it's two, sometimes it's none, but usually it's just one.

I never feel like I get enough done in any given day. I'm never productive enough. I never do everything I want to do or feel like I'm supposed to do. I can clean all day (or try), but it's still not enough. Nothing is ever clean enough, organized enough, good enough. I'm experiencing these feelings very much so right now. Maybe that's why I'm panicking? I've had this whole week off, and for the last month that I've known that I'd have this week off, I had it planned in my head that I would clean the entire apartment. Go through stuff I've had in boxes for years and find places for things or get rid of stuff accordingly. Has that happened? Well, yes, but not to the extent I kept thinking I would do. It's not like I'm on any kind of time limit - why do I care? I keep obsessing over everything. This sucks, I feel so trapped. I can't shut my mind off. I am just so sick of looking at everything not being perfect. I want everything perfect. I know I can get there, but the longer it takes, the more angry I get with myself, the more guilt I feel. Guilty like there's something wrong with me, like I'm doing something wrong. But nothing is wrong with me, right?

I'm almost done with my cigarette.

There's a Dandy Warhols song I really like that kind of describes how I feel sometimes. Not these feelings exactly, but other feelings of just not being good enough anymore. It's called "Genius" if anyone is interested. They have a lot of good songs actually, a lot of them having to do with different feelings and thoughts that I have. Like about how cool Kim Deal is, how everyone is insane, and how I should have stayed in college forever...

Okay, the cigarette is officially done. Now it's market time. I want to get food and be back before my boyfriend gets home, so I can start cooking for him!

I'm hearing it again...

...the coughing, that is. And look at the time! Seriously, I'm convinced at this point. I mean, I guess it's a silly thing to get all excited about, but I love knowing that people smoke pot.

Actually, this isn't the first time today I've heard my neighbors. I was so rudely awakened by screaming and cussing; I still don't know who exactly it was, but someone was fucking mad. I'm not sure what was going on, really, but some chick was screaming about how "you don't know what this means!" and "now he's going to tell your mother, I can't believe your brother" blah blah blah, "fuck you, you mother fucking [black person], how could you do this to me, mother fucker, now I have no money and you took everything and I have nothing, and all I have is the streets, you fucking [black person]!" And more, along those lines. I was half asleep, but I stayed in bed for another five minutes just trying to listen. Man, I love that shit. It's funny, too, that that's what woke me up - I went to bed super early last night (like, at 10pm), and I remember waking up several times because I'd been asleep long enough already at like 6am, 7am, 8am...but there was no fucking way I was going to get out of bed that early. My boyfriend left for work around 9am I guess (I don't really remember), and then next thing I know, MOTHER FUCKER! That was at 11:30am. I slept way too long, and now I have a headache.

Tomorrow I have to get up early to be somewhere at 9:30. That sucks. SUCKS. Where am I going? Some stupidass appointment at Kaiser (ugh) - some group therapy overview thing for panic attacks. I really, really don't want to go. First of all, group therapy? Fuck that. Secondly, do they even have any idea how much the idea of going to a group appointment is making me panic in the first place? A panic group therapy? We're all going to be sitting there panicking together. Sounds like fun. What a great reason to get up early. Plus it always takes me so long to get ready in the morning, and I got lost last time...I'll have to get up at like 7am or something. Dang!

I think I hear the yelling again. Oh now I just heard someone slamming their window closed. I think I'll turn my tv even louder.

I have so many pictures that I want to post...maybe since I finally have some time off, I'll do that. Probably not though, but I'm writing this idea solely so I will actually think about doing it. I also have a lot more to say, but this is already long enough. Maybe later?

check out how scary looking this guy is

Gross! (I had to scroll to the right a little bit, so you might have to too...)

ETonline.com Celebrities: Plastic Surgery Obsession: Meet the Real-Life 'Ken' Doll

That reminds me of this chick we saw on Larry King the other night - I was on the phone, so I wasn't listening, but I definitely saw this ugly bitch's face as my boyfriend was watching tv. She's had like over 30 plastic surgeries or something, and she does not look good. I repeat, the plastic surgery addict look is not cute. I tried to find a link to her, but I can't remember her name and hence cannot find it. I'll keep looking, you have to see her.

I wonder if they're smoking pot? After all, it is 4:20.

I hear someone coughing in the distance. Well, not in the far distance or anything, just somewhere away from here. Coughing a lot, too, like they just took a big bong rip. There are other people's voices as well, and maybe some more coughing. I'm sitting at my desk, in my bedroom, with the window open; our building is right up against another apartment building (okay, not right smack up against it, probably because of some building codes or something, but maybe 8-10 feet away), so if anyone else has their windows open, every single sound echoes between the buildings. I hear everything. Laughing, yelling, fucking. Sometimes even when the windows are closed - people are just that loud.

avsnitt ett

So I'm sitting here stamping the hell out of the cash in my wallet with my red Where's George stamp (yes, I actually have one, and I love it...it was a gift from my boss...) when it occurred to me that having a link to my blog in my Where's George profile might be weird - if someone really wanted to, they could find out quite a bit of information about the person who stamped the dollar in their hand with some url. Hmm.

Desperate Housewives is on in five minutes. YESSSSSS. Then maybe there will be a part two (to continue with this avsnitt, of course.)

out of shower, feeling gooooood

That's all.

today is a good day so far...

I'm sitting here eating my cereal (Kashi - mmm, my favorite!) with fresh raspberries and reading some blogs on my list - something I don't get to do often enough anymore. I mean I probably do have time to blog as well as read others' blogs, but I guess lately other nuances have been taking up my time. So, it's nice to just sit here for a moment and enjoy my whole grain cereal and write about the nothingness on my mind. I got up at a reasonable hour today, already did some stupid errands, and I have more planned for the day. I have to babysit again today at 4pm, but that should be good, because I love making money I don't have to pay taxes on. Don't we all? Plus, extra cash is always good, I'll have to start buying Christmas presents soon. And Busty presents, I'm feeling in need of some more new clothes. I'm only supposed to babysit for around 3 hours too, so I'll still have the rest of the evening. Sweet.

What else is on my current list? Clean up the kitchen, shower using my new Schwarzkopf Moisture Shampoo and Conditioner (god I love beauty products), and then clean whatever else until I have to leave to babysit. I want to go on a walk or something with him, it's such a beautiful day out.

Oh, I'll probably get high, too. Not with the kid, though.

a day in the life of Busty Wilde!

I started writing this about a week ago, then stopped and saved it as a draft - much like I do with many of my posts. Oh, so many unfinished writings. Maybe one day they will all be published under the title The Unfinished Busty Works or something. So this is what I had written:

I meant to write last night, but then I got too high (surprise!) and didn't want to be anywhere near my computer. Unless it was for playing yahoo! graffiti, which is really addicting actually, but that's another story. My day yesterday was awesome.

I wonder to what I was referring in that post, what was so "awesome" as I say. I think the day before I had gotten like four dozen tulips for free from the owner of the flower shop by the store where I work...that was pretty awesome. Except now, as I understand it, the guy is probably interested in me, even though he's 36, is sleazy, and knows nothing about me. Why does this always happen? I think I have this energy that attracts people without then even realizing what's going on. I can feel it affecting people, but they seem clueless. I can't help it though!

The last few days have been kind of hazy. I can't believe it's already Friday night; it seems like the week has flown by. Wednesday I insufflated an ativan (lorazepam)...I haven't taken ativan in any way in quite awhile, so I definitely felt it. Plus, it was twice the amount I have always done - when I went to the new psychiatrist last month and we were discussing what drugs I've taken and am currently on, I kind of lied and said I've been taking 1mg ativans instead of the .5mg I had previously been prescribed. So, now I have double the amount of double-dosaged pills. Awesome. So, yeah, did one of those Wednesday after leaving work early (maybe around 6pm?), and I was OUT until Thursday morning. Then my boyfriend and I got into some stupid fight (something ridiculous, like how he left a plate on the counter...but I was more mad that he did eight ativans while I was asleep). I was supposed to be at work at 11, but I was crying and crying and fell back asleep, only to wake up at 12:30. Fuck. I finally made it to work around 3pm, and told two of my coworkers they could leave. I felt really bad...and really fucked up, since I had taken another ativan before I got there, to, uh, help calm me down.

Then I left work to babysit, which was awesome - I made $80, and the kids fell asleep within the first hour I was there! Easy money. Came home around 1:30am to my passed out boyfriend - who had taken fourteen of my pills. Fourteen! Fucker. He's sorry, though, so everything is okay now. He doesn't get any more now.

I went to work this morning and opened the store; I was there for about an hour when my boyfriend called me up and said he had been in a motorcycle accident. My next coworker got to work right then, and I left to go make sure he was okay. He is, but god, he scared the fuck out of me.

Okay, since I began writing this, he's arrived home with some dank-ass purple weed and now I'm stoned as fuck and can hardly see straight anymore. Needless to say, I'm quickly losing interest in this, which is what usually happens so I just "save as draft" and end up with a ton of shit I never finish. So here, I'm finished.

The End.

Good thing I didn't do that line of lorazepam that's been sitting right here, otherwise I'd be really high. I didn't do it because I was waiting to see if he got coke while he was out, but since he didn't, I could do this, but I won't, because now I'm just really stoned. And just being really stoned feels good sometimes.