so...

I kind of feel like I'm freaking out. Or panicking, maybe. I think I've just been panicking more the last few days because of the fact that I've been thinking about it more because of that stupid class thing. Fuck that. I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store to get some food to cook for dinner, but then I started freaking out. So, I think I'll sit and smoke a cigarette, and then I'll see how I feel. I don't smoke a lot of cigarettes, just about one a day, on average. Yes, I know it sounds weird and you think I'm lying, but it's true. Sometimes it's two, sometimes it's none, but usually it's just one.

I never feel like I get enough done in any given day. I'm never productive enough. I never do everything I want to do or feel like I'm supposed to do. I can clean all day (or try), but it's still not enough. Nothing is ever clean enough, organized enough, good enough. I'm experiencing these feelings very much so right now. Maybe that's why I'm panicking? I've had this whole week off, and for the last month that I've known that I'd have this week off, I had it planned in my head that I would clean the entire apartment. Go through stuff I've had in boxes for years and find places for things or get rid of stuff accordingly. Has that happened? Well, yes, but not to the extent I kept thinking I would do. It's not like I'm on any kind of time limit - why do I care? I keep obsessing over everything. This sucks, I feel so trapped. I can't shut my mind off. I am just so sick of looking at everything not being perfect. I want everything perfect. I know I can get there, but the longer it takes, the more angry I get with myself, the more guilt I feel. Guilty like there's something wrong with me, like I'm doing something wrong. But nothing is wrong with me, right?

I'm almost done with my cigarette.

There's a Dandy Warhols song I really like that kind of describes how I feel sometimes. Not these feelings exactly, but other feelings of just not being good enough anymore. It's called "Genius" if anyone is interested. They have a lot of good songs actually, a lot of them having to do with different feelings and thoughts that I have. Like about how cool Kim Deal is, how everyone is insane, and how I should have stayed in college forever...

Okay, the cigarette is officially done. Now it's market time. I want to get food and be back before my boyfriend gets home, so I can start cooking for him!