things I like to do with my time

So I was just thinking about things I do that make the time go by quickly...I thought I'd make a list so I can look at it later and see how I feel about it...

learn information
listen to music
sit in front of a computer (preferably using it)
organize shit
talk to friends

Now I just need to figure out some kind of job that will pay me to do these things!

ohhhhhhhhh my god

Baby steps, baby steps. I'm wading back in the water very slowly.

As it was pointed out to me (and anyone else who cares to read comments on my old posts, although the one I'm speaking of in particular, whilst old, is the youngest post of all, excluding this one I'm writing right now), it has been (almost) six months since I've posted. What the hell?

I didn't forget or anything. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say. Maybe I just didn't see the point anymore. Maybe with so many other people out there pretending to be way cooler than they actually are I decided to rein in my coolness, lest it be lost amongst the impostors. Any kind of idiot can make a blog, and for some reason, really stupid, annoying people who think they're better than other people in some way feel the need to pollute the "blogosphere" by doing just this. Maybe I just didn't want to get lost in that drivel. Maybe I'm so cool I didn't want y'all to be mistaken and think I'm not actually as cool as I am (see the impostor thought above), because usually people have to pretend to be as cool as I am. So yeah.

I'm rambling, I should stop. I'm tired, and stoned. Nice.

I'm reading an awesome book, American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. I love him. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm going to as soon as I finish this book. I just started it yesterday, but by the looks of it I should be done in a couple of days at the latest.
I got promoted last month, and now I manage the store I work at. I guess that's cool, because I make more money, but...well nevermind. Baby steps.

Happy 420!

Let's all get really high!

look, I'm posting

And it's before work! What's gotten into me? A few drugs, a few hours of sleep, and a few minutes' worth of motivation/inspiration, I suppose. I wish I wasn't working today, like some of my friends, but I really do need the money, so...you know how it goes. I hate needing money. I just want it. Lots of it. Lots of money. My cell phone bill was outrageously expensive this month - looks like I sent way too many text messgages. Fuckers. The cell phone companies convince society as a whole how great it is to send short little messages to your friends that most of the time could wait until later, when really this whole area never even existed before, and then they charge you for it after they convince you that you love it and it's necessary. Oh wait, I guess that's how most of our economy/society works.

I want to move to Sweden.

it's pucking fouring outside

It is fucking pouring outside. I can hear the rain smacking up against my window, quite loudly in fact. It's been raining since yesterday sometime; I wouldn't know exactly when it started raining yesterday because I slept all day. It was very nice. It seems like lately all I want to do is sleep and read and fall asleep reading. I think I need to hibernate for the next few months and then wake up when it's nice and warm out again.

Like usual, I forgot most of what I was going to say, but I feel like I may remember in the next few minutes. If that turns out to be the case, I'll post it. I bought this cheap (but cute) little notebook at Target the other day (god I love that place) so I can write down things I want to remember, random thoughts running through my mind, or stuff I want to look up next time I'm at a computer or something. I should find that little notebook and see what's written in there. I've forgotten already.

ok, so maybe I lied

I know, I said I was inspired post more often in my last entry, and when I said that, I really intended to write again sooner than now. But, really, if you look at the amount of time between now and my last entry, and my last entry and the one before that, you'll notice an improvement. Baby steps. For what it's worth, I've at least been thinking of writing, I just haven't really been getting around to it. I've been wasting time playing games on yahoo!, like literati (which is really scrabble, but they probably can't say that because of trademark reasons) and bingo. Bingo is awesome, especially if you're drunk and/or high. Speaking of which, I'm drinking some eggnog right now. Eggnog and brandy. I feel good. I'm also smoking a big fatty blunt. Aren't you, like, so jealous?

So we decorated our Christmas tree tonight, and put some Christmas decorations up around the apartment. We're so festive!

I'm suddenly very, very tired. Unable to type. Passing out...

Maybe the time from now until next time will be even shorter than the time from now until last time. It will. Until then...

I'm back, I'm back

So...I have recently been inspired to begin blogging again. This isn't to say I was ever uninspired, really, but it's almost like I just have so much to fucking talk about that I don't even know where to begin. Most of what I would like to talk about I just can't - even some of my secrets are too deep and dark to post under a pseudonym on the internet. Plus, my stories are usually so crazy that no one would believe they're actually true, and there's so much background information needed to understand me a lot of the time that I don't even know if anything I wrote would make sense if I just said what was on my mind at any particular moment. I guess I'm just paranoid that the wrong person will someday see what I've written and then it will somehow fuck up my real life. Hopefully this doesn't interfere with my presidential aspirations.

Hah!

Whatever. So here I am, all over again. Isn't that hot? If you don't understand me, I don't care. You can go back and reread all my posts if I don't make sense to you, but those probably won't make any sense either. Feel free to comment aplenty. In the meantime, everyone go listen to The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre. I'm going shopping.

But first, a crazy story that made me go "wtf?" out loud. I borrowed/stole it from sfgate.com, but I copied it here for your reading pleasure.

(12-02) 07:46 PST LONDON, United Kingdom (AP) --

An Eminem impersonator who beat a woman to death and stuffed her body in a suitcase — a scene reminiscent of the rapper's "Stan" video — is facing life in prison.

Christopher Duncan, 21, has the same hair color, style and tattoos as the rapper. Duncan pleaded guilty Thursday to killing Jagdip Najran, 26, a law student and aspiring singer.

They met at a karaoke bar last year, where Najran was smitten after watching Duncan perform, a prosecutor said. Duncan took Najran back to his apartment and beat her over the head with an iron baseball bat until she fell unconscious, then stuffed her body into a suitcase.

Medical experts testified she stayed alive for at least an hour after being struck. Duncan reportedly told police he was high on Ecstasy and LSD at the time.

In the video for "Stan," an obsessive fan ties up his girlfriend, throws her in the trunk of his car and drives it over a bridge.

Duncan was to be sentenced Monday. A call to Eminem's publicist in Los Angeles was not immediately returned.

Let's all say it together. What the fuck?

so hungover...

Man, my head hurts so much. I woke up around two hours ago, and I've just been lounging around ever since. I haven't felt this hungover in a long time; I actually can't remember when I felt this shitty. I didn't really even drink very much (compared to other times, at least), only three beers and a greyhound (my favorite vodka drink), but I was on "other substances" too, and I just remembered I never ate anything yesterday after sometime around 1pm. I also definitely didn't drink enough water, and I think I forgot to take my medication. Fuck man. I just ate some frozen lasagna thing, so that helped a little, and I'm drinking water. I was thinking I wouldn't smoke any pot today, or at least until later, but maybe it would help my head. I just packed my bubbler...I wonder what I should do. Oh, I'll just hit it, if anything then I'll be high and maybe I'll forget my head hurts so much.

Yep, it worked.

It just started raining. I can hear the drops against the window - I love that sound. I'm watching Maury, so I only heard the raindrops when the audience temporarily stopped booing one of the guests. It's something about moms making their teenage daughters take lie detector tests about how many guys they've really slept with and if they do drugs. Pure entertainment.

I really need to go to grad school. Someone, please encourage me.

so drunk...

So very very drunk! We just saw Scott Biram at some little tiny bar in San Rafael...on the way home, my boyfriend got pulled over. They asked him how fast he was going, he said he thought he was going 80, and the cop laughed and yelled to his partner something like "he thinks he was going 80, he was going 101!" Fuck man, we could have both been thrown in jail. I had a couple of drugs on me, pot and...something else, which I threw under the seat...my boyfriend had to get out and do some stupid drunk driving tests and the breathalizer thing, which he passed. But fuck, was I scared. I do NOT want to go to jail, that would SO suck. He ended up with a speeding ticket and I think he has to go to court or something. And it was such a good night, too...going to the little bar, seeing Scott, I got to hug him and we talked to him for awhile...but then the fucking cops had to pull us over. God dammit.

fuckers

So I got up about a half hour ago, a little bit later than I was planning - but that's fine, because I'm driving to LaLa Land tonight, and I don't plan on leaving until 7pm or so. It usually takes around 5-6 hours depending on how fast I drive, so I'll be up driving pretty late, and I don't want to be tired while I'm driving. At least that's what I kept telling myself as I hit the snooze button repeatedly - it was all for the sake of safety. Yeah, that's it.

My family lives down in LA (well, my parents and my younger brother - everyone else lives back east in NY), which is where I grew up, so I try to drive down there every couple of months to visit. Now I live up here, in the Bay Area, and I love it. I mean, I love the fact that I grew up in LA and I can say I'm from LA, but as soon as I turned 18 and it was time for me to go to college, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. That was partially because I wanted to get away from my parents, too, but yeah. I needed to get away. The San Fernando Valley, to be specific, is where I grew up. So, like, yeah, I'm a valley girl. I love it. I don't care what anyone thinks or what stereotypes they have about me, or that 99.9% of the porn industry is located there. I think it's awesome. It's home. One of them. I suppose the Bay Area is my new home, since I went to college up here and then chose to remain, but even though I've been here for 7 years now, I still don't feel like I quite know everything. I don't know where all the little cities are, where all the streets go, how far everything is from where I am. You know, the stuff you learn, the stuff you absorb, when you're in an area for a long time. I mean, I know these things, but I don't feel like they're a part of me. Not yet.

I still have to pack, but I'm not stressing like I usually do. I also want to do my nails, and maybe pick up a bit. For the first time all year I'm going alone, without my boyfriend, and I think I'm a little nervous about that. I'll miss him, but I wonder if I'll be bored driving so long all alone. I used to do it all the time, but it's been awhile. Plus, there's all the creepy people at the gas stations and rest stops along the way. I remember one time last year when I was driving alone, I stopped at a rest stop to smoke a cigarette (I refuse to smoke cigarettes in my car, but weed is okay...I think it's funny I don't want cigarette smoke inside my car, but it's okay to put it inside my BODY, but that's another story), and then I realized this guy about 20 feet away was video taping me. Seriously. He full out had his fucking camcorder out and was recording me. I was really weirded out. I waited a few minutes - maybe I was being paranoid (it's been known to happen) and he was just a tourist and recording parts of California or something. But no, it was me. I put my cigarette out and got the fuck out of there, and then made sure he wasn't following me. That's the kind of shit that happens to me, more often than not. I don't know anyone else that this kind of weird shit happens to as much as me. Like this one time I was at work, and stepped outside for some air - and then this guy I'd never seen before ran up to me, took my picture, and said "Now I have your picture!!" That freaked me out, especially a month later when the guy showed up to give me my picture with his name and number written on the back. Yeah right, like I'd call him - he'd probably cut me up into little pieces. Guys, that is NOT the way to get a lady.

I could go on forever today. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I'm feeling much better than yesterday - I'm just trying to keep telling myself "fuck it, I'll clean when I get back or when I have time" as opposed to sitting here worrying about it. I did up my meds last night, maybe that has something to do with it. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Oh, yeah. So the reason I sat down here to start writing, instead of doing something productive like packing, is because I was SO PISSED a little while ago. I got up, made my coffee, started 409-ing the counters like I love to do, and then went to rinse out the sink...and no water came out. At first, I was confused, like, oh I must be really high and I didn't actually turn it on. But no, it was on, and all that was coming out was weird noises. I went to the bathroom sink - no water there either. I had been about to jump in the shower, so I turned the shower on, but alas, no water. I threw some clothes on, stormed downstairs to where they do all the maintenance crap, and found the manager. "Did you just shut the water off??" I asked. "Oh yeah, that was me, well not me, there are plumbers on the third floor, it will just be about 20 minutes or so." "Okay, because I was just trying to use it and I was a bit confused." I wish I had the fucking balls to be rude for once, instead of overly pleasant and accomodating - I wanted to be like "Um, I think it's against the law for you to just shut the water off without some kind of prior notification." Oh well. It's back on now, I just checked, but still. That pissed me off. I guess now I don't have an excuse to shower and get on with my day.

I'll try to write more before I leave, but if I don't, I'll try to write while I'm at my parents' house. I don't know if that will work though, because my brother is always playing Warcraft or something. I plan on coming back Monday night.

so...

I kind of feel like I'm freaking out. Or panicking, maybe. I think I've just been panicking more the last few days because of the fact that I've been thinking about it more because of that stupid class thing. Fuck that. I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store to get some food to cook for dinner, but then I started freaking out. So, I think I'll sit and smoke a cigarette, and then I'll see how I feel. I don't smoke a lot of cigarettes, just about one a day, on average. Yes, I know it sounds weird and you think I'm lying, but it's true. Sometimes it's two, sometimes it's none, but usually it's just one.

I never feel like I get enough done in any given day. I'm never productive enough. I never do everything I want to do or feel like I'm supposed to do. I can clean all day (or try), but it's still not enough. Nothing is ever clean enough, organized enough, good enough. I'm experiencing these feelings very much so right now. Maybe that's why I'm panicking? I've had this whole week off, and for the last month that I've known that I'd have this week off, I had it planned in my head that I would clean the entire apartment. Go through stuff I've had in boxes for years and find places for things or get rid of stuff accordingly. Has that happened? Well, yes, but not to the extent I kept thinking I would do. It's not like I'm on any kind of time limit - why do I care? I keep obsessing over everything. This sucks, I feel so trapped. I can't shut my mind off. I am just so sick of looking at everything not being perfect. I want everything perfect. I know I can get there, but the longer it takes, the more angry I get with myself, the more guilt I feel. Guilty like there's something wrong with me, like I'm doing something wrong. But nothing is wrong with me, right?

I'm almost done with my cigarette.

There's a Dandy Warhols song I really like that kind of describes how I feel sometimes. Not these feelings exactly, but other feelings of just not being good enough anymore. It's called "Genius" if anyone is interested. They have a lot of good songs actually, a lot of them having to do with different feelings and thoughts that I have. Like about how cool Kim Deal is, how everyone is insane, and how I should have stayed in college forever...

Okay, the cigarette is officially done. Now it's market time. I want to get food and be back before my boyfriend gets home, so I can start cooking for him!

I'm hearing it again...

...the coughing, that is. And look at the time! Seriously, I'm convinced at this point. I mean, I guess it's a silly thing to get all excited about, but I love knowing that people smoke pot.

Actually, this isn't the first time today I've heard my neighbors. I was so rudely awakened by screaming and cussing; I still don't know who exactly it was, but someone was fucking mad. I'm not sure what was going on, really, but some chick was screaming about how "you don't know what this means!" and "now he's going to tell your mother, I can't believe your brother" blah blah blah, "fuck you, you mother fucking [black person], how could you do this to me, mother fucker, now I have no money and you took everything and I have nothing, and all I have is the streets, you fucking [black person]!" And more, along those lines. I was half asleep, but I stayed in bed for another five minutes just trying to listen. Man, I love that shit. It's funny, too, that that's what woke me up - I went to bed super early last night (like, at 10pm), and I remember waking up several times because I'd been asleep long enough already at like 6am, 7am, 8am...but there was no fucking way I was going to get out of bed that early. My boyfriend left for work around 9am I guess (I don't really remember), and then next thing I know, MOTHER FUCKER! That was at 11:30am. I slept way too long, and now I have a headache.

Tomorrow I have to get up early to be somewhere at 9:30. That sucks. SUCKS. Where am I going? Some stupidass appointment at Kaiser (ugh) - some group therapy overview thing for panic attacks. I really, really don't want to go. First of all, group therapy? Fuck that. Secondly, do they even have any idea how much the idea of going to a group appointment is making me panic in the first place? A panic group therapy? We're all going to be sitting there panicking together. Sounds like fun. What a great reason to get up early. Plus it always takes me so long to get ready in the morning, and I got lost last time...I'll have to get up at like 7am or something. Dang!

I think I hear the yelling again. Oh now I just heard someone slamming their window closed. I think I'll turn my tv even louder.

I have so many pictures that I want to post...maybe since I finally have some time off, I'll do that. Probably not though, but I'm writing this idea solely so I will actually think about doing it. I also have a lot more to say, but this is already long enough. Maybe later?

check out how scary looking this guy is

Gross! (I had to scroll to the right a little bit, so you might have to too...)

ETonline.com Celebrities: Plastic Surgery Obsession: Meet the Real-Life 'Ken' Doll

That reminds me of this chick we saw on Larry King the other night - I was on the phone, so I wasn't listening, but I definitely saw this ugly bitch's face as my boyfriend was watching tv. She's had like over 30 plastic surgeries or something, and she does not look good. I repeat, the plastic surgery addict look is not cute. I tried to find a link to her, but I can't remember her name and hence cannot find it. I'll keep looking, you have to see her.

I wonder if they're smoking pot? After all, it is 4:20.

I hear someone coughing in the distance. Well, not in the far distance or anything, just somewhere away from here. Coughing a lot, too, like they just took a big bong rip. There are other people's voices as well, and maybe some more coughing. I'm sitting at my desk, in my bedroom, with the window open; our building is right up against another apartment building (okay, not right smack up against it, probably because of some building codes or something, but maybe 8-10 feet away), so if anyone else has their windows open, every single sound echoes between the buildings. I hear everything. Laughing, yelling, fucking. Sometimes even when the windows are closed - people are just that loud.

avsnitt ett

So I'm sitting here stamping the hell out of the cash in my wallet with my red Where's George stamp (yes, I actually have one, and I love it...it was a gift from my boss...) when it occurred to me that having a link to my blog in my Where's George profile might be weird - if someone really wanted to, they could find out quite a bit of information about the person who stamped the dollar in their hand with some url. Hmm.

Desperate Housewives is on in five minutes. YESSSSSS. Then maybe there will be a part two (to continue with this avsnitt, of course.)