negative energy

I've been so stressed out lately that I haven't even been able to blog. I've been thinking that if I did I would just write a whole bunch about my stress and anxiety and moods (which is all coming from other people, mind you) and I really didn't want to get into it, but fuck it. I can't hold it in anymore.

The main thing on my mind right now is my friend I talked about in a few posts back, the one being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by her boyfriend/fiancé. She's actually getting married to him this Sunday, and it's driving me insane. I was supposed to be in her wedding, but I told her there was no way I could feel right about it since I hate him more than anything right now. Then I wasn't even going to go to the ceremony, but I decided I should be there since she's my friend. Plus, my boyfriend wants to go so we can make the asshole feel uncomfortable (my boyfriend has already threatened him in the past, so this should be interesting.) It's all the way in Tahoe, though, so we'll have to drive like 2.5-3 hours to see a 15 minute ceremony of something I don't want to happen, and then what? I guess I'll gamble the rest of the time? I don't even know. The weird thing is that I don't actually feel stressed out, but I know I am because all my little analities about cleaning and stupid details are totally showing themselves, which is what happens when I'm very anxious at a deep level. I know I can't control her life or what she chooses to do, but it's just SO obvious to me (well, everyone really, except for her) that's making a terrible life decision. This guy is such an asshole dirtbag - he's already gone to jail for beating up his two previous girlfriends, and now he's onto his third. She's obviously not bothered by that, though, and there's nothing I can do about it. Her decision is made, her family has flown out for the wedding, and everything's going full speed ahead. She knows how I feel and has even said that if the situation was reversed and it was me in her situation, she'd wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. I guess their fighting got pretty bad a few weeks ago and she came to stay with me for a night, but she went back the next night because he was threatening to kill himself (in other words, he was manipulating her). He's also started bringing me into their stupid drama - sometime last week at like 5am he text messaged me from her phone pretending to be her and said "sorry, but we can't be friends anymore - I need to work on my relationship with Mike." What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? Jesus. What a fucking idiot. Both of them, really. She knows the situation she's putting herself in and how he treats her - and yet she wants to stay. I really just don't understand at all. I can't understand. I've tried and tried, but no. I can't let myself feel bad for her anymore, because she's doing this to herself. I'll be there for her when she needs me, like when he beats her into a bloody pulp and needs to go to the hospital, but other than that I'm not getting involved anymore. I can't deal with it.

My apartment is getting pretty clean, though.

Well, I should go, we gotta go sell weed to some actress shooting a movie up here.

my own reality

Is it possible to think I would or do behave in a certain way in a given situation, when I really behave in another way altogether? I mean, I can really believe something about myself, but maybe it's not even reality - for instance, the question in a personality test that reads "When someone is coming over, do you make sure your house is absolutely clean?" In my mind, I think "yes, yes I do." In actuality, no, I don't. I don't make sure my house is completely clean. I would want it to be clean; in fact, I always want it clean, and I am always cleaning it seems, but nothing is ever clean or clean enough. (Cleaning is one of my obsessions for which I take medication; it seems that even if I can get rid of the compulsions, my obsessions are still there.) So how would I answer this question? Yes, I make sure everything is clean? Even though I don't? I am totally positive that I would, provided I actually had space to store all my belongings, but since I don't have enough room, there is no point where everything is all put away. I would also need an infinite amount of time to get everything clean, because I clean everything so thoroughly and detailed that it takes forever. But back to my first question - what if I believe things about myself in my head that don't necessarily pan out that way in reality? I know I'm an obsessively clean person, but you'd never know that by looking at my apartment. What if everything is like that? What if I know I'm smart, but other people don't see it that way? Or competent? Or responsible? What if I'm analyzing everything way too much and no one else even notices these things? What if I'm too conscious of my conscious thoughts and I end up driving myself insane?

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I dyed my hair completely blonde

and now I'm HOT!! I love it. I thought I'd be a little apprehensive, but I was really excited to get it done, and now I love it. I look more Swedish now (which I am, I just don't look it). Ja, ja jag gör. It was just blonde on the top layer and dark underneath...but yeah. I already told you.

I woke up pretty late today, like at 3pm. Now I have to work extra hard to be productive in the small amount of time I'll be awake. Fuck! I guess I needed some sleep or something.

My friend's boyfriend keeps beating her up, and I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem to listen to anything I say about it not being normal. Sigh.

i want these!

Dang! Check out these Napoleon Dynamite action figures! They look pretty sweet.

Babysitting was fun last night...there were two brothers, 6 and 3. They're actually the kids of the family I used to rent the in-law unit from, the one I just moved out of at the end of May. They're all really nice. The 3-year-old is the autistic boy I've been taking care of (which I just realized I never really talked about here...I should do that), and the 6-year-old is obsessed with birds of prey and hurting his younger brother. Everything went pretty well - we watched movies, jumped on the trampoline, played soccer, and did puzzles.

There was only one midly gross situation, but it's kind of funny. At one point I noticed the younger kid's diaper needed to be changed - he smelled pretty bad. I started looking for the diapers and wipeys so I could change him, but I couldn't find anything. I went all around the house (which is pretty big - it's worth over a million dollars in the Oakland hills, overlooking the SF bay), but by the time I got back into the kid's room, he too had discovered the poop in his diaper. He had smeared his shit all over his hands very thickly. It looked like mud. It was smeared on the carpet, little chunks everywhere. It was on his feet, legs, pants, shirt...basically all over the place. It smelled terrible. I had him go in the bathroom to wash his hands, but he just began rubbing his wet shitty hands all over the counter, in the sink, on the cabinets...everything within reach, except for me, thankfully. I eventually got everything cleaned up and under control, but man, that sucked. And stunk.

Busty Wilde + life + babysitting + Napoleon Dynamite