fuck

Today was a fucking long-ass day. I woke up at 8, got ready, ran an "errand," opened the store at 10, worked for what seemed like forever, and now I'm here. I need to zone out for a few minutes. I'm gonna go to a friend's house in a little while. I wonder how that will go.

It's fucking freezing. I'm fucking freezing.

Over Thanksgiving I read another one of Bret Easton Ellis's books, Less Than Zero. It was good, I liked it. Maybe someday I'll go into more detail. Now I'm reading another of his books, The Informers.

I miss my friends. I wonder if anyone misses me.

Something is missing. Something is empty.

My nails need filing,
and I'm still fucking freezing.
Eggnog. Rum. Hooray!

Did you notice that was a haiku? Maybe a lame one, but still. A haiku. Come on.

surprise surprise

Sex works!

EIGHT in ten women use sex — or the promise of it — to keep partners in line.

They get their guys to do what THEY want in return for nookie.

And three-quarters claim they are in charge in the bedroom, a survey revealed yesterday.

An increasing number of men — about a half — rely on “Brownie points” to boost their love lives.

Just a third of men use sex to bargain with.

[Yeah, it's from The Sun Online, so who knows how accurate the story is, but I'd still believe it. Also...kind of lacking in the description department, eh? The whole story is only five lines long.]

oh yeah

Can't go to bed without the obligatory link to a news story highlighting someone's stupidity!

Here's a good one:

Protester Against Radioactive Waste Shipment Killed After Being Hit by Train, Police Official Says (hahaha)

NANCY, France (AP) - A French anti-nuclear protester was killed Sunday in eastern France when his leg was severed by a train carrying radioactive waste to Germany, a police official said.
The incident took place further down the rails from where two other anti-nuclear protesters had earlier chained themselves to the tracks near the town of Nancy, briefly delaying the train, rail officials said.
Paramedics quickly cared for the protester after the incident near the town of Avricourt, but his leg was severed and he died en route to a nearby hospital, the police official said on condition of anonymity. The official said at least one other protester had been injured.
Spokesmen for local police and rescue workers were not immediately available for comment.
About 12 miles up the rails in the town of Laneuveville-devant-Nancy, police intervened to cut the chains that two protesters from activist group Sortir du Nucleaire (Out of Nuclear) had used to lock themselves to the tracks, officials from railway authority SNCF said.
The train was delayed for about two hours, before continuing its route from a reprocessing plant in western France to a rail terminal in the German town of Danneberg. It was carrying 12 containers of waste destined for a storage site in nearby Gorleben.
At least 4,500 people demonstrated Saturday at the radioactive waste way station in Gorleben, part of regular protests over concerns that the nuclear material is unsafe.
Spent fuel from Germany's nuclear power plants is sent to France and Britain for reprocessing under contracts that oblige Germany to take back the waste.
Some previous shipments of radioactive waste to Gorleben have drawn thousands of protesters and led to clashes with police.
The demonstrations have faded, however, as the German government last year embarked on a plan to phase out nuclear power altogether and close its remaining 18 nuclear power plants by about 2020.

I'm tired

I can't sleep. I'm having a little bout of insomnia. I'm up just fucking around wasting time, dreading the thought that I need to be up in 3ish hours to begin getting ready for work. I haven't been getting more than a few hours of sleep lately, which sucks, yet surprisingly I'm relatively unaffected by this. I'll probably end up getting sick in some way or another. I wish I had my yoga ball here, I'd roll around on it or something...my back and neck are feeling sore. I went to work today and I was actually in a pretty good mood, at least considering my current situations regarding my love life/friends/job/everything.

Every time I feel like I start to feel like I have a grasp on things in my life, I suddenly feel like everything is spinning out of control. Maybe that's just me though, going from one extreme to the other, back and forth and back and forth...and then back again. I need some element of stability. I don't even think I'm making sense right now, at least in terms of fluidness (fluidity?) - I'm just stringing sentences together, each representing another thought that hits me as I type. Of course, each sentence makes sense on its own, but I just don't really feel like I have the energy to elaborate on any one particular thought, or even bridge some kind of connection between each thought. I wonder if that even makes sense. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I told someone that I care immensely for that I can no longer carry on our relationship in the current manner. This was just a few days ago. I feel like it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I've been having a hard time dealing with it since then. It's like I have a huge, gaping wound, too infected to even begin to heal, causing me to writhe around in pain. This person is (was?) the love of my life, someone I would do absolutely anything for...including staying with him, pretending we are together, when he really wants nothing of the sort. I finally came to terms with my extreme unhappiness with the situation, and I decided that I ultimately need to remove myself from it until things change. I realize I've been waiting too long already, so I don't even know what I mean exactly by the "until" in the previous sentence, but I can't plan my emotions around nonexistent happenings - I'm sure I'll react accordingly as events pan out.

Fuck. I think I'll lay down now and attempt to sleep once again. Wish me luck.

I feel like shit right now

Anxious, panicking...I'm sitting here alone, in his bedroom. He's in the next room with his friend, the tv blaring. Actually, maybe the tv isn't in fact all that loud; all I can hear is muffled noises over the hum of the computer anyways. I cry. I wonder why I am crying. Not really though, because I know the reason. I just don't want to deal with it tonight.

I went to therapy today, which, as usual, was probably good for me. I cried a lot, more than I can ever remember crying in therapy before. I was supposed to see her yesterday at 5:30, but when I showed up she wasn't there; I only realized this after sitting in the waiting room for 20 minutes, and then later getting a call from her about 5 hours later apologizing. That just added to some other general shittiness that occurred yesterday, such as having to work longer to close the store because my boss went home sick (this is an entirely different, huge subject) and dealing with disgruntled employees/friends (well, just one really). Then there's the whole stupid-ass drama with another employee, who is fat, lazy, and stupid, and who likes to take credit for other people's work while doing as little fucking work as possible. Oh, and she likes to instigate shit too. Sounds like a real winner, eh? (I may have just given the impression that there are many employees at my job - this is definitely not true. There's only one more I haven't described in this paragraph, besides myself. But, I think I've been describing myself all along...)

I was just wondering why he hasn't come in to check on me...but then he did. I must be psychic.