So here I am, yet again. Up way too late, yet again. It's times like these when I think to myself, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Do I have any direction whatsoever? Then I usually hit my pipe if it's around to shut those voices up. No seriously, I am worried about myself. How the fuck is it already almost June of 2004? Why the fuck am I still working at a retail job I took "temporarily" last August? I mean sure I've been promoted a few times and now I'm assistant manager, so I guess that's a reference at least. Right? Sigh. Where's my pipe? A friend suggested to me (a few times now) that I volunteer as a counselor and work with troubled kids or something. That would let me work with people and help them, and plus it might help me get into grad school. Which is totally what I want to do at this point, but I feel like I wouldn't have the best application. Yeah, I know I'd be great for whoever wants me, but how the fuck am I supposed to prove that within the narrow guidelines they use for choosing people? Someone else might look better on paper, when I know I'm better. Or am I? Of course I am. I guess I have some kind of direction. Grad school, straight ahead. I feel like there's so many little pieces of my life that I have to take care of before I even decide on a direction. Maybe that's just how I fool myself into thinking everything's okay and I can be immobile forever. I don't want to grow up. Maybe people feel like that their entire lives, that there are so many things that need to be taken care of before they can move forward in their lives. Maybe not. I guess I need to just go forward - as in, decide what I want to do with myself and then start going towards that - and take care of all the little pieces along the way, instead of just pausing everything. But seriously, I think I needed some time to regroup and collect my life and thoughts and everything and take a break from everything. Decide what I want to do with myself right now and in the future. Obviously I don't want to do retail my entire life. I'm better than that, and besides that, retail sucks. I would, however, own a business. And I would definitely not run it the way the owners of the company I work for run theirs. Let's just leave it at that. Okay, so what do I want to do? Go to grad school. Pay my outstanding bills. Maintain my intelligence and sanity.

That was a long flow of thought...one which flows through my mind every day at least a few times. I don't even know if it made sense. Wow I have so much to talk about.